the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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