im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
