i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
