I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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