I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
