did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
