Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize