Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The adults are the big ones right?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
