Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My vagina is officially offended.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
