I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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