dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
