Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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