I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize