I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
