Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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