you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
