I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
