Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
