Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
