btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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