why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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