Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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