I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
