Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
