I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
