I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
