it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize