When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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