I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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