if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize