Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I could fuck to npr.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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