3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
