Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
