The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
