I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
