My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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