So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize