I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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