her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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