I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize