yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize