I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
