Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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