i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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