Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
