I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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