I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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