Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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