Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
