You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
