That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
