I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
