Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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