Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
