I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize