You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
