You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
