hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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