Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
