Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
