she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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