Jerry, you need to find god
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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